Q: My fiancé and I are planning a wedding for next fall, which we are paying for ourselves. We wanted to keep the guest list under 100 people, but when we made the list that seemed impossible, and we settled on 130 people to invite. Our list is pretty evenly divided in thirds between friends and family from each side.

My fiancé’s list includes pretty much all of his relatives, whereas I could easily add more than a hundred additional relatives and am only including my immediate family, my aunts and uncles, and my first cousins. Many of my other relatives I only see every five to ten years at other relatives’ life events. I was worried I would receive a lot of pushback from my parents about this, but they have actually been fine about it. They did ask us to include more relatives but seemed to understand when we said it wasn’t a realistic option. I know that some of my relatives of my parents’ generation have complained in the past about not being invited to some of my cousins’ wedding that took place recently, but that doesn’t change my mind or our budget.

My question comes from the compromise my mom has asked from me. She has asked me to write a letter to all of the relatives I am not inviting with some sort of explanation (other than the truth of we can’t afford it and don’t really know you that well) as to why they are not being invited. Her suggestion was to say that since were doing a non-traditional ceremony and a cocktail reception I should say we’re not having a “real wedding.” I told her it is a real wedding since it’s the day we’re getting married, but if she really wanted me to I would send a letter. At first I thought it sounded crazy… but now that we’re getting nearer to sending our save the date, I’m starting to feel bad and nervous about not saying anything to the other relatives. I also think if we do send the letter, it will look like we’re trying to ask them for gifts without an invitation.

So after that long explanation, I have a few questions: Should I really send this letter?! If you think it’s a good idea, is there a way to phrase it so that people don’t think I’m subtly asking for a wedding gift without an invitation? The whole thing makes me uncomfortable, and I have no idea what to say. I am also worried some of them will contact me afterward to discuss. If you don’t think the letter is a good idea, do you have another suggestion? Or will they just eventually figure it out?

—Anonymous

A: Dear Anonymous,

Do not do this.

They will figure it out.

—Liz Moorhead

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